


Outcast Heart

by dirkygoodness



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy
Genre: Anakin is not ok, Angst, Banished Anakin, Depression, Dissociation, Eating Disorders, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Hearing Voices, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Mild Fluff, Obi-Wan cares but Anakin doesn't know why, Post-Mustafar Anakin, Refusal to Eat, Screaming to cope, Self-Hatred, Sleep Deprivation, Suicidal Thoughts, he's really fucked up, he's still got his arm and legs, unburnt Anakin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-24
Updated: 2016-08-24
Packaged: 2018-08-10 18:01:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,156
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7855372
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dirkygoodness/pseuds/dirkygoodness
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I don’t want to be alone.<br/>Selfish.<br/>It hurts when I’m alone.<br/>Pitiful.<br/>He hates the silence.<br/>Weak.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Outcast Heart

**Author's Note:**

> basically something to update my AO3 page  
> i started this like a year ago and decided to finish it already blah
> 
> i took my own experiences with dissociation as a reference point so if it's a little off then thats why : P
> 
> Sorry for inconveniences, misspellings, and any other mistakes I tried to fix as much as I could.

He doesn’t know what he is anymore. Once, in what feels like a long, distant past, he was a Jedi and he was powerful and he was loved. But now, as he sits tucked up in the corner of his room, he can’t seem to figure out what he is  _ now _ . He knows  _ who _ he is, he’s Anakin Skywalker - Chosen One gone Dark Side because he was selfish, and needy, and thought himself better than everyone else. 

He’s the once Jedi, stripped of his titles and power, his authority, because he’d gone insane - even if it had only been for a brief time. He’s the man who was almost banished, but wasn’t, because they thought to make an example of him - or they pitied him. Maybe both, Anakin thinks somewhere in the back of his mind where the chaos isn’t rampaging. He’s been thinking for what feels like years, hundreds of years, but probably only a couple of hours. 

Anakin’s back hurts, and his joints ache from not moving in so long but he doesn’t stir now. He’s trying to figure out what he is. Because, without what he is, how can he continue to do anything? Because, as a Jedi he’d know  _ what  _ he was, and therefore  _ what  _ he was to do. Even as a slave he’d known what he was to do - but now, he’s nothing, and he’s to do nothing. But isn’t he something? What was it, what they called him, the ones who’d glared at him like he was a murderer? 

Ah, yes, that’s right. A monster. Is that what he was? Was he to do as monsters did? But, hadn’t he already done that before, and that had been the cause of all this in the first place. Now he was just the outcast, the banished-but-not-banished former Jedi. Or was he nothing? 

Anakin couldn’t make up his mind. Could he be both? And if so, or if only the banished outcast, what then, did outcasts do, exactly? Think of their crimes, plot to return with a vengeance. But thinking of what he’d done made his head hurt, and then the memories would come back and he wasn’t in the mood for that. 

Suddenly, as if a switch had been flipped, Anakin no longer cared what he was or what he was to do. He just wanted to disappear and what he was to do be damned, because well, he’d always had a habit of disobeying, hadn’t he? Yet he knows he can’t dissapear, because if he’s gone then he can’t feel pain and he needs to be punished. 

With pain, sorrow, despair - anything. Not death, because that would be more of a mercy then a punishment. He doesn’t even allow it when someone is trying to be kind to him, albeit rare, because he doesn’t  _ deserve  _ to be taken care of. Because of this Anakin can’t figure out why Obi-Wan stays around him now. 

The little, small ‘home’ they’d given him is in an almost deserted part of the city and yet, even though he was even told  _ not to come _ , Obi-Wan insists on making the trip to see him everyday. Even, once, he’d stayed the night when Anakin’s screams had been so loud and lasting that Anakin himself was worried he’d hurt himself. 

_ He probably stayed to try and get you to shut up, so you wouldn’t bother other people _ , a cruel, twisted voice spits at him and Anakin shrinks further in on himself.     


_ But there aren’t any people around here to bother?  _ Anakin tells himself silently, weakly.    


_ There’s some. You must annoy them relentlessly. Like you do Obi-Wan. He must be so tired of you. _

Anakin doesn’t protest this time when the voice snaps, because it’s right. Obi-Wan must be so exhausted by him, and really the only thing Anakin can think to hold him here is his overwhelming sense of  _ duty _ to everything he’s ever been close to. 

And they’d been together for so long, there must be something of that in this.  _ With everything else destroyed now _ , Anakin thinks,  _ it must be the  _ only _ thing left. What am I to him but a duty now? _ There’s a noise at the front of the ‘house’ and Anakin doesn’t even care what it could be. 

No one comes here save for Obi-Wan, and if it’s someone come to put an end to him, well then, let them come. At least it would be some use of him finally. The person would feel good, like they’d rid an evil from the world and had done a great justice. 

They would, if they did, because that’s what it would be if they’d just get rid of him already. But they won’t, because he needs punishing. 

_ Maybe that’s why they send Obi-Wan? To punish me with what we once had; of his unrelenting kindness towards a husk shaped like Anakin Skywalker filled with a black void. Doesn't he know he’ll get sucked into it too? What  _ am  _ I? _

“Anakin?” Comes a quiet, strained voice that’s so unmistakably Obi-Wan’s it leaves Anakin feeling cold and startlingly aware like he’d been slapped. It doesn’t last long though, not with the darkness in him and soon his eyes are clouding over again and he’s staring at his hand’s like he’s got extra fingers.  _ What am I? _

“I’ve brought some more food,” Obi-Wan says now, voice a ringing bell amongst the dead silence of the ‘house’. Anakin doesn’t try and respond to him though, he knows Obi-Wan knows he’s in his bedroom - Obi-Wan can sense it through the Force. 

But Anakin can only rely on the sounds Obi-Wan is making to know he’s there because even the Force had abandoned him. It makes Anakin bitter suddenly, and then angry, and then the always present self-loathing snaps up and swallows those emotions down, too, like it’s feeding on them. 

Obi-Wan must sense something now that causes this, or maybe he’s just not liking the silence, because he’s suddenly there in the doorway of Anakin’s bedroom looking down at him. He’s got this astonished look on his face like he’s just seen a wondrous trick, or maybe it’s seeing a once powerful beast left scarred and broken and weak - if only on the inside. 

But then he says,“Have you not moved at all since I left yesterday?” and everything makes sense, yet it doesn’t. Anakin gives a vague shrug and wills his voice box into use, even if it’s warbled and almost too quiet to hear.

“When’d you leave yesterday?” Anakin asks him, and the look of horror that crosses Obi-Wan’s face makes him want to simultaneously weep and laugh. 

What he lets out is a combination of both, a garbled half-laugh that ends in a choked noise that hurts a bit to make. But then Obi-Wan has his mask back on, but Anakin can still see the pain there, and he thinks bitterly,  _ you do this to him, you make him suffer like you do because you can’t stand to be alone. Coward. _ _  
_

“You’re going to make yourself sick, Anakin.”   


“I’m already sick.” Anakin sighs back at him. Obi-Wan looks horrified again.   


“Do you feel ill?” Obi-Wan asks, but Anakin doesn’t answer - he’s too busy staring at his hands again. So Obi-Wan presses on, unaware that Anakin is trying not to break something - or to break himself. “Anakin, are you feeling sick? Do I need to bring you to a hospital?”   


“ _ What am I? _ ” Anakin spits violently, glaring at his hands as if they’ve offended him, and he can’t help the growl that erupts from his mouth. He doesn’t let himself say anything else now though, because Obi-Wan’s staring at him in confusion and hurt and the voice in his head is angry again. 

_ Look what you’ve done to him now, you idiot. Great. Now you’ve gone and made him think you need medical care, and now he’s going to think you’re insane. _ _  
_

“Aren’t I, though?” Anakin muses aloud, and the voice snaps back at him like a hungry dog.    


_ You’re probably losing your mind, and that’s what you deserve, isn’t it? But, oh, how you make him suffer with you is just more crimes to your list of problems. Do you want to break him down with you? To suffer in hell, together, forever the accomplice of the Force’s bastard. _ _  
_

“Anakin.” Obi-Wan says, suddenly, and his hands are on Anakin’s face and Anakin panics for a moment because when did Obi-Wan move? “Anakin, stop, stop  _ thinking like that _ .” 

Anakin doesn’t understand because, he’s not thinking - not really. It’s just the jumbled up ramblings of a madman, madmen don’t think. 

_ Are you a madman? What are you? What am I?  _

“Why do you stay here?” Anakin asked suddenly, surprising himself - shocking Obi-Wan again into silence. Anakin hadn’t been thinking about his master this time, but the words are the only thing that leave his mouth. And, as he speaks them, it’s like a cold dread is spreading down his spine. 

He’s starting to come back to himself now, he knows it, and he fights against it. Because then, and only then, does he truly  _ feel  _ the pain and sorrow and hate for himself that comes with what he’s done. It’s always there, but muddled if he can let his mind loose and drift away from himself. 

But now that he’s started this, he can’t seem to pull back, and all the while he speaks the voice is screaming,  _ idiot, idiot, idiot, idiot!! _

“You don’t owe me anything. No duty could, or should, have stayed after what I’ve done and said to you.” He tilts his head slowly, almost in confusion. Obi-Wan blinks. “I must annoy you, this lowly  _ thing  _ who doesn’t even know what he  _ is anymore _ . But I’m not yours, and you’re not mine - not anymore. So why do you pretend to care?” Tears now, threatening but he keeps them back, and his mind is clear again and not as muddled, it’s no longer like he’s looking on the world after a heavy dosage of sedatives. No, now he’s himself again, Anakin Skywalker, whatever  _ that  _ is, anyway.

“Oh,  _ oh _ .” Obi-Wan says painfully, like he’s losing something. “Beautiful boy. Anakin,  _ no _ .” 

And that’s got Anakin’s mind whipped clean, flushed out of all the mess that he’s made for himself in there, because  _ what? _ What did Obi-Wan just call him? He blinks, something fuzzy and sick bubbling up in his throat and his face goes blank at he stares at Obi-Wan in confusion. Then, slowly, he shakes his head and a depraved laugh escapes him.   


“Li-ar.” Anakin sings out, giggling through the tears that are pouring down his face. The voice comes back, and it’s so loud in his empty mind that Anakin flinches when he hears it. 

_ He’s faking it. You’re disgusting, you’re a monster. You are  _ ugly.  _ You are  _ unclean _. Filth, coward, murderer, liar, traitor, slave - _

“Anakin, you are not ugly. Anakin, Anakin please look at me - you are clean.” Obi-Wan says, and oh, he’s crying now too.  _ Look what you did, again. All you’re good for, causing pain.  _   


“I killed  _ children! _ ” Anakin roars, and that’s it, he’s breaking, he can’t stop the screaming now. His throat feels raw, and his hands go to his head. Around him the Force screams, both sides, in anguish and encouragement. 

It feels, like it always does, like he’s being torn in half and he’s going to break - his insides on fire and freezing. And all he can do is scream, because screaming is all he has left. But then Obi-Wan moves, pulling him away from the wall even as Anakin thrashes against him, trying to get free. Obi-Wan is stronger, now at least - now, after everything Anakin’s refused - food, water, sleep, comfort. 

So he easily pulls Anakin out and into his lap, his back pressing into Obi-Wan’s front and he can’t stop screaming. All Anakin can hear are the endless cries of the Force, the dark telling him, ‘Yes, fight - kill Obi-Wan, push him aside and stand back up. Kill them all. All of them.’ and the light, begging, ‘Please, stop, it hurts, you hurt. Stop. Just stop fighting. Let it go, the darkness, let it go.’ 

So Anakin can only scream, because he can’t answer either side, because he’s not the Chosen One anymore, he’s not the Betrayer. He’s nothing. He wondered then if he was the one who abandoned the Force, and not the other way around. Interesting thought, but it doesn’t stick long because his insides are boiling. 

So he screams. 

 

Finally, he stops. He’s not sure how long he’s been screaming, but his throat is raw and he stops because he can’t scream anymore. He can’t talk. Anakin’s voice, his scream, withers out in a raspy whine and then he goes limp in Obi-Wan’s hold. He wheezes a bit, some scream still trying to sneak up, wrap its hands around his throat and strangle him but it doesn't seem to be able to hold on for long. 

And as soon as it’s gone the tears stop and he’s left staring at the wall, his mouth open and so dry it hurts to take in air. Anakin’s very tired, and he only realises this when he notices he can’t move his body. Though it’s not much of a loss. But his head is clear, and the voices are silent, and the Force has stopped clawing at his mind, so being exhausted isn’t that bad. 

Obi-Wan shifts, rocking Anakin back and forth in his hold, comforting him and for once Anakin isn’t strong enough to push him away with a sharp, vile comment meant to make Obi-Wan leave. That usually works, but his voice is gone and his strength is gone so he submits. Obi-Wan takes a hand, pulls his head down against his shoulder - probably trying to get Anakin comfortable but Anakin couldn’t really care about that. 

A strange huff of air leaves Anakin’s mouth and his eyes droop, and he can feel the way Obi-Wan shakes as he tries to contain his own sobbing. How many times has Obi-Wan cried since he’s come here? It’s hard to remember. The first time he’d cried as he’d screamed at Anakin, and Anakin had just sat there staring at him like a doll. 

The second time was when he’d come again, how long after Anakin doesn’t know, but he was crying as he tried to get Anakin to talk to him. He also cried when Anakin wouldn’t eat or sleep, and he cried the first three times Anakin had snapped at him and called him names. Obi-Wan cried every time Anakin got lost in a screaming fit and he cried when Anakin went silent as death. 

Obi-Wan cried quite a bit, now, he realizes, and with that thought for the first time since he’d been cast to this shitty little hovel Anakin doesn’t think about the pain, the fear, or the hate he has for himself. 

Instead he thinks about Obi-Wan, about comforting Obi-Wan as he cries into Anakin’s hair. Slowly, with an energy he didn’t even realize he had Anakin lifts his hand up and places it gently against Obi-Wan’s arm. Obi-Wan jolts slightly, and Anakin closes his eyes fully.    


“It’s okay.” Anakin croaks out, so quiet he doesn’t even think Obi-Wan can hear it but he can’t repeat himself. It hurts too much. Instead his fingers close around the fabric of Obi-Wan’s robes.    


“Anakin?” Obi-Wan asks gently, so soft, and Anakin pushes more air from his lungs in a huff. Then Obi-Wan is shifting him, pulling him down across his lap to get a good look at his face and he can see Obi-Wan now. 

His hair is pooled around his face in a halo of red, his eyes deep and longing as tears seep from the corners of his eyes. Anakin never deserved him and he never will. Anakin is selfish though, and he  _ wants  _ him. God, how he wants. He won't take though, not again, won’t ever try and take anything for himself. 

Then, suddenly, Obi-Wan stands and takes Anakin with him. He’s gotten much stronger - or maybe he’s always been this strong. Anakin doesn’t know. But he’s carrying all two hundred pounds of limp Skywalker so that must mean something. Though he might not be two hundred pounds anymore… he hasn’t eaten much for a while. 

Obi-Wan lays him down on his bed, head propped up by pillows and nothing else, and then he leaves the room.  _ He’s leaving _ . A voice says, and Anakin shuts his eyes as another tear slips from his eye. He hates the voices the most but this time he knows it’s not one of the others - no this is Anakin’s own thoughts and that’s what hurts the most. 

_ He’s leaving and I’m going to be alone again.  _

_I don’t want to be alone._ Selfish. 

_ It hurts when I’m alone.  _ Pitiful. 

_ He hates the silence.  _ Weak.

“Here.” Obi-Wan’s voice comes again and Anakin startles so hard he almost smacks his head against the headboard. Obi-Wan’s at the end of his bed, a cup of tea in his hand and he’s wipped off his face. His eyes are still a little red, but he looks considerably less upset. 

Actually, his mask is back, and this time his eyes betray nothing. Anakin tries not to start sobbing again. This Obi-Wan, the one who is silent but for when he needs to speak, this Obi-Wan who has never smiled once is far worse than being alone. So when Obi-Wan offers the tea to him, puts it to his lips Anakin turns his head away and squeezes his eyes closed hard. 

Obi-Wan doesn’t let him get away though, and for the first time since he’s been there he uses physical force again Anakin - making him turn his head back, makes him open his mouth - and Anakin is too weak to resist. 

The second the tea is in his mouth Anakin starts crying again, silent but for the way his breathing heaves out of him, but Obi-Wan doesn’t even blink. He just closes a hand over his mouth and plugs his nose, forcing him to swallow the burning liquid. 

They keep going for a little while like that, Obi-Wan making him drink until Anakin submits to it and opens his mouth for each new drink of tea. When it’s gone, really gone, Obi-Wan gently wipes his face off, before turning the lights off and leaving the room. 

Anakin doesn’t cry again, but he feels worse then when he’d been screaming and the voices aren’t even there to tell him he’s horrible. Anakin just lays there until exhaustion forces him to sleep. 

 

It’s hours later, well into the night when he wakes again, and his bladder is aching. He doesn’t get up. He just lays there, staring into the darkness and wishing for something. He doesn’t know what, but he wishes for it. 

Maybe it’s death. Anakin knows he wants to die. Has known for a long time now. Ever since Padme had died and he’d realised what it was exactly he’d really done. Obi-Wan told him once that his children were being taken care of, and Anakin is glad for that if nothing else. 

Anakin wants to see them, to hold them, but he’ll never ask for it. He’s in no shape to care for children and he worries what he’d do if he saw them. Would he try and kill them? He might. Anakin has killed children before. And them being his won’t change anything. 

He’d almost killed Padme before. He’d almost killed Obi-Wan. Seems like he’d almost killed everyone he loved. Death is something that he knows he shouldn’t be thinking about, but he is. He does it a lot sometimes. Usually when it’s night time - and with a quick glance at the window he sees the inky blackness of the sky and sighs. 

Obi-Wan must be home by now. He’d taken care of Anakin, given him something for his throat and made sure he’d rest and that’s all he needs to do. All he usually does at times like this, when Anakin’s demons are too strong for him to ignore. 

Anakin thinks of how easy it would be to go kill himself with Obi-Wan gone. He won’t do it. He may want it, but he’ll never do it. Anakin wonders if he really does want to die. Maybe not. But he wants something to happen. Slowly, almost to test if he can, Anakin sits up and throws his legs over the side of the bed. He needs to piss. 

His legs take him to the ‘fresher shakily, and once he’s done relieving himself he dares a glimpse of himself in the mirror. What he sees startles him. Suddenly it’s like he’s been thrown back into his own body and he puffs his cheeks out. His hair is longer than it used to be, coming down to his shoulders and curling around his chin and neck. 

It’s darker than it used to be - he hasn’t washed it much lately.  And Anakin’s face is pale and thinner than it used to be, and his eyes are pale and lifeless.

He strips and steps into the shower just to get away from his own face. 

The water runs hotter than he should have it, but he doesn’t really care. Anakin doesn’t care about anything lately.  Well, most of everything. He looks at the shampoo bottle and sighs. He puts a lot in his hair without thinking about why he’s doing it. At the very least it feels nice.

Anakin’s hair is now going straight and thick, the curls leaving him and his hair sticking to his face. He stays there until the water turns cold and then he leaves the room, this time not looking in his reflection, and he doesn’t bother with a towel. He just goes to his dresser and puts on clothes. The wetness of his hair seeps into his shirt and makes him shiver, but he ignores that too. Anakin just stands there for a moment, staring at the wall, before he finally decides to go into the other room. 

His feet take a moment to listen to him, but when they do Anakin walked slowly into the living room, and his eyes slowly crawl over everything. He freezes when he spots Obi-Wan, who’s sitting at the couch, a book resting in his hands and the viewscreen playing something in the background. 

Loneliness and guilt smacked Anakin hard then, and he moved over to Obi-Wan, kneeling down on the ground before Obi-Wan had time to process that he was up in the first place. The older man blinked down at him, startled, and Anakin turned his head down. 

He wanted then, somehow, to apologize to Obi-Wan.  _ Selfish _ , a voice snapped, but Anakin ignored it. He really didn’t care. He  _ wanted  _ Obi-Wan. He  _ needed _ Obi-Wan. And if Obi-Wan was to cast him aside then let him do it now then dangle himself on a string in front of Anakin like a taunt. 

He lent forwards, slowly, until his forehead rested against Obi-Wan’s knee, his hair spilling thick and soaking wet against his leg. Obi-Wan was stiff and rigid, almost afraid, and Anakin felt a pang of hurt in his chest at the thought. 

“Obi-Wan.” Anakin said quietly, his voice rough and warbling but louder than before and Anakin was glad that Obi-Wan had given him the tea. He sucked in his breath. “I need…” He trailed off, biting his lip. He couldn’t do it. He couldn’t tell Obi-Wan what he wanted. He still didn’t  _ deserve it _ .    


“What do you need.” Obi-Wan said, his voice cold and uncaring and Anakin wanted to throw up. But then Obi-Wan placed a hand gently against his head and Anakin’s resolve broke. “Tell me.”   


“I need you. I need your forgiveness and I need your life and your warmth and your kindness. I don’t deserve it but I need it so much it hurts.” Anakin’s crying again. “I don’t want it. I don’t want your help or you, but I need it like air and - and I can’t keep going like this without being killed. So please, Obi-Wan, please. Kill me or help me. Please…  _ Master. _ ” 

Silence lies thick between them now and Anakin regrets his words instantly - but he hasn’t felt this true or clear headed in weeks and he knows he couldn’t say he was kidding even if he wanted to. Obi-Wan’s hand lies limply against his head like lead, his breathing almost none existent and Anakin bites so hard on his lip he tastes blood. 

And then Obi-Wan is pulling him to his feet, pulling him down onto his lap and kissing him, and  _ oh.  _

That’s what Anakin is. 

He’s Obi-Wan’s and he’s supposed to love him more than his own pain. 

So Anakin kisses him back and lets himself love Obi-Wan. 


End file.
